Jokes

BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS, GREAT NEWS
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five- pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

THE PETS EVERY WOMAN NEEDS IN HER LIFE:
A JAGUAR IN THE GARAGE
A TIGER IN THE BEDROOM
A MINK IN THE CLOSET
AND AN ASS TO PAY FOR ALL THE BILLS

Three men go to the gates of heaven after they die and they speak to God. God tells the three men that they will need transportation around Heaven. The type of transportation you have depends on how faithful you were to your spouse. So the first man walks up to God and God asks the first man, "Were you faithful to your wife?"
The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her once."
God asked the first man, "Exactly how many times did you cheat on her?"
And the man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times."
So God gave the man a Buick Skylark. Then God asked the second man the same question and the second man answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times."
So God gave the man a Honda Accord.
Then God asked the third man the same question.
The third man replied, "I have never cheated on my wife. I have always been completely faithful to her."
So God gave this man a beautiful convertible Mercedes, and he was the envy of the other men in his beautiful sports car. All the other men were jealous, but they knew that hey got what they deserved.
One day, while on the road, the first two men saw the third man driving in his Mercedes looking very upset so they pulled up next to him and the first man asked, "What's wrong? You have a gorgeous car! You should be having the best time of all three of us." The third man just looked down the road with his mouth wide open and said, "I just passed my wife on roller skates."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

Amanpreet pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Amanpreet recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Brian. "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A little swallow was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Wet pussy

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife bent over pulling the weeds, the husband says, "Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is as big as the gas grill."
The husband picks up a yardstick, to prove his point. he measures the grill, then he measures his wife's butt; "Yeah", he says, "just about the same size."
That evening they went to bed. The husband cuddled up to his wife saying, "How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife turns over, back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She answered, sarcastically, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck. As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps,
"...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"